This is no time to panic!

We are officially 2 weeks away from departure and I am 2 weeks out of work.  I have spent the last 6 years thinking about and planning for this trip with nothing but excitement.  Today that excitement is overwhelmed by anxiety.  Are we crazy?  Are we ruining William’s life?  Will I fail him as a teacher?  Is this dangerous?  Are we forgetting anything, followed by are we taking too much? Will this even work or will we be home again in a month?  If that happens, will people laugh at us, say “I told you so”?  Will we be able to get good jobs again?  You get the picture.

I tend to have anxiety, but this trip has taken it to a new level.  For me, anxiety is all about control.  If I can’t control it, I am anxious about it.  And there are soooooo many things about this trip that I can’t control.  I have various coping mechanisms that usually work, but nothing is living up to the scale of this trip.  The only way out is through, and while I know this is just the beginning, I think finally hitting the road is the only way to put a stop to these unknowns.  Which will of course introduce many more, I know!

Poor Scott has had to deal with my increasing anxiety spiral since I left my job.  This past weekend was particularly rough.  So, on the way to source trauma kit supplies this morning, I did my best to explain my fears and emotions to him.  This man is a saint and rolls with my moods like a long-haul trucker.  Unfortunately, he also sometimes fails to read the room.  Case in point, after listening to me word vomit for too long, he offers this gem – “I know you’re struggling right now, but this would be a great post for the website”.  I swear time stopped as I processed that.  He must have sensed the mistake he had just made, because he immediately started back tracking.  “I mean if you feel like it, you don’t have to, maybe later” followed by “but I do think it would be good”.  I’m sure you can imagine how the rest of the car ride went. 

Eventually I calmed down and was able to see the wisdom of his suggestion.  This may not be exactly what he had in mind when suggesting that I write about my anxiety, but this is where I’m at today so this is what he gets.  Thinking about this exchange now makes me laugh, which for me is the best anti-anxiety medication there is!